Who among us hasn't come out of Home Depot with the same problem?

and picking out the right sonotube and tie wire? Fuggedaboudit!

GOP candidate quits after cop catches him masturbating outside preschool

A Republican running for an Arizona college district’s governing board suspended his campaign Tuesday, two weeks after he was arrested for allegedly masturbating outside a preschool at one of the colleges he was hoping to represent.

Police found candidate Randy Kaufman on Oct. 4 parked outside the child center at Rio Salado College with his pants down to his mid-thigh and “manipulating his genitals in a masturbatory manner,” according to a police report.

Kaufman was in full view of the campus’s Wirtzie’s Preschool and Child Care Center, where several preschool-aged children were playing outside, the report said.

“Seriously?” the officer said upon finding the Republican playing with himself.

“I’m sorry,” Kaufman allegedly told the officer. “I f–cked up. I’m really stressed.”

Kaufman said he was out buying rebar nearby but was so stressed out that he pulled into the lot to relieve himself without realizing what the lot was for.

Fortunately for the nation, Mr. Kaufman will continue to stand up for our right to bare short-arms, and beat back those who would assault our liberties.

In a statement about his suspended campaign, Kaufman didn’t address the arrest but said he “will never stop fighting to protect the United States Constitution and the values that make America the greatest country in the world.”