I knew it, I just KNEW it!

Tyrannus Donaldis

Trump cancels 2020 elections over Corovirus concerns

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In real news that totally actually happened, President Trump has announced that in the interest of public safety, the 2020 presidential election has been canceled.

“It’s just too risky,” President Trump told the press while standing behind a sneeze guard. “We’ll get all these people gathered together at rallies or lined up to vote, and they’re all going to get sick. And Bernie and Biden -- they’re just so old. Sending them around crowds campaiging is basically trying to murder them. Anyway, it just seems pointless for a bunch of people to die when everyone knows I was going to win anyway.”

Trump has been a divisive figure in the past, but so far everyone has agreed with this move. The New York Times, which usually opposes absolutely everything Trump does, wrote an editorial in support of canceling the election. “It’s a smart, science-driven move,” the editorial said. “As important as democracy is, it’s just not worth dying over.”

It’s been suggested that sharing this on FaceBook would be fun; “see how many of your liberal friends believe it and go insane”. That does sound amusing, but (a) I’m not on FaceBook and (b) I no longer have any liberal friends.

(And, searching Google Images for “Trump dictator”, I discovered that the Daily Kos was on the story as long ago as June 16, 2019: “Aspiring Tyrant Trump Ponders Not Leaving the White House”. And Kos readers like, totally believed it.)