In a departure from its business model, the Bee reports a true story

Because sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up

WORLD—According to sources, an eccentric immigrant entrepreneur from South Africa just accomplished more for free speech than Republicans have in decades of controlling the government, wielding Federal power, and spending trillions of dollars.

"Wow! Who is this guy? He's really making us look bad here," said one Republican Senator. "This Twitter deal is such a huge step forward for freedom of expression! Wow! Imagine if other conservative wealthy people did stuff like that instead of funding our reelection campaigns? Um, wait—I didn't mean that. Scratch that. Are you recording this?"

Experts concur that Twitter being purchased by a private entity instead of publicly owned by shadowy corporate interests and foreign governments will help secure Twitter's place as a free speech platform. Other changes, such as an open-source algorithm, clear and fairly enforced rules, and a commitment to the free exchange of ideas are expected to accomplish more for freedom and human advancement than anything Republican congressmen have ever done in their entire careers. 

"Man, why didn't I think of doing something like that?" said the Republican Senator. "If you vote for me, I'll form a committee after the election season to explore the reasons we didn't think of that!"