Not the Babylon Bee

BEHOLD AND REPENT! THE RAPTURE DRAWS NEAR

I could have told them that decades ago:

Unilever discovers that Marmite is no boon to humanity

Unilever has announced it may drop Marmite and Potnoodle from its company, if they don't prove to have a 'meaningful' impact on the world.

Chief executive Alan Jope, 54, said that the British classics could be axed if they do not 'contribute meaningfully to the world or society'.

Other much loved brands that face the chop from the company's umbrella include Bovril, Cornetto and Magnum.

Speaking to investors Mr Jope said the decision was due to the changing consumer market where products that don't promote sustainability or fit with the company's ethics are no longer enough.

Regarding the potential cut of loved products Jope said: 'Principles are only principles when they cost you something.' 

Unilever's 28 flagship brands with a strong sustainable and meaningful image and therefore set to stay, include Dove, Hellmann's, Knorr and Persil.  

The world would undoubtedly be a better place were Marmite to disappear, but there’s something unnerving about the chief executive of a major corporation looking for personal salvation in a jar of salty goo, or a cup of chicken noodle soup. Time to short Unilever.