Home Improvement

News from America’s paper of record, the Babylon Bee:

Trump to buy Greenland, install hardwood floors and shiplap. and flip it.

“Look at it; it’s prime real estate,” Trump told the press. “It’s on the very desirable Upper West Side -- you know, of the Prime Meridian -- and if we just modernize it a bit, that’s going to be some valuable property. And I’m going to split the profits from selling it with the American people, 60/40.”

Trump says his first plan will be to get rid of the giant glacier in the middle of Greenland. “That used to be popular, but it’s out of style now,” he explained. He plans to replace it all with “ultra-fancy” hardwood floors. In addition, he plans to maybe put up some shiplap, add an island, and upgrade the bathrooms. He's looking at opening it up into more of an "open concept" feel with some farmhouse sinks for a more rustic feel. The president has reportedly hired Chip and Joanna Gaines to help with the upgrades. They previously worked with him to put some shiplap up on the southern border wall.