The Atlantic has its moles, we have ours
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Stephen Green brings home the bacon
Secret Mole Transcript, Complete
Campaign Strategist: Mr. Vice President, it would be great if you could give a shout-out today to Lewis Howard Latimer.
Joe Biden: Larry Howie Lassiter. Good man, good man. From East Dakota. We served in the Senate together more than 40 years. Helped me pass the Women Are Totally Equal and No Guns Act.
CS: That’s… nice… sir.
JB: Of course he is. Read a lovely condolence note at my wife’s wedding.
CS: Yes, sir. Back to your address today? This Kenosha audience is mostly black, and our market study says this would be a good time to mention Lewis Howard Latimer.
JB: OK, Fat. What’d this Lenticular fella do?
CS: Lewis, sir. Lewis Latimer. He’s the black man who invented a better filament that made Thomas Edison’s lightbulb commercially viable.
JB: Lois Laminate did what with fila, fila, the thing?
CS: Before Latimer — LEW-IS LAT-I-MER — Edison’s lightbulb burned out after a few hours. With Latimer’s filament, it would last over a hundred hours.
JB: That’s some trick, huh, Meat? Like the time I did pushups against Rocky, beat him square.
JB: Uh, yes, sir. The important thing is to tell people Latimer’s invention made Edison’s lightbulb commercially viable.
JB: Comical viaduct. Of course, of course.
CS: Sir, maybe forget the viability part. Just remind folks today that Lewis Howard Latimer made Thomas Edison’s lightbulb possible.
JB: Lattice Hoo-Ha Filigree. Black fella. Invented Thomas Edison’s lightbulb.
CS: No, sir. Not quite. Could you just say there was a black man who made the filament that made Edison’s lightbulb work better?
JB: I can say that, you know, the thing. Sure. Black dude rode a better filly in the Edison Stakes.
CS: [under his breath: “Screw this.”]
JB: What’s that, Peabody?
CS: Sir, just say a black man invented the light bulb. [“Nobody will care, anyway.”]
JB: Black guy, did the light bulb. I got this, Poncho. Easy-sleazy. When do I meet this fella?
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Transcript ends.
