Beware of prophecy: The Bee provides tomorrow's story, today

Fauci spins his handy “wheel of science” to see what he’ll recommend today

WASHINGTON, DC—In a development no one saw coming, Dr. Anthony Fauci has again changed his recommendation about what to do with masks by consulting his tested and proven "Wheel of SCIENCE."

“Now I know it confuses people when the science changes so quickly, as if we are just making all this up as we go along,” explained Dr. Fauci from his bunker full of neckties. “That’s why I developed this handy 'Wheel of SCIENCE' for us to spin every morning, so people can really see that this isn’t just me saying whatever pops into my head!"

"Now-- let's give this puppy a spin!" he exclaimed as he gave the wheel a mighty turn.

“What will it be today, gang?” asked a giddy Dr. Fauci. "'Masks Cause Bladder Cancer?' 'Eating Dirt Prevents Halitosis?' hmmm..." 

The dial slowed, clicking just past "Cover Your Kids With Grocery Bags" and finally came to rest on: "Attach A Live Octopus Directly To Your Face."

“There it is, folks!  Science has proven that the best way to prevent COVID transmission is to affix a live octopus directly over your mouth, nose, and probably eyes.’