Coca-Cola to its lawyers: hire by quota

Almost there, but that’s a gay trans-opossum, so you lose, Uncle.

Coca-Cola goes for “equity, not equality” in the provision of legal services

Coca-Cola has announced that legal firms must now meet diversity quotas if they wish to represent the company.

"Coke said it will require quarterly reporting about the makeup of legal teams that do work for it and self identify as American Indian, Alaska Native, Asian, Black, women, Hispanic/Latinx, LGBTQ+, Native Hawaiian, Pacific Islander or persons with disabilities," said the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "For those working on new matters for Coke, 'at least 30% of each of billed associate and partner time will be from diverse attorneys, and of such amounts at least half will be from Black attorneys.'"

“We don’t want the best possible legal representation”, Coca-Cola spokesperson Rene Richards told FWIW, “we want intersectionality. We gotta choice between some white chick, top of her class at Harvard, or a black recovering drug addict transvestite in a wheelchair? No contest — we’re going with that colored zir, zie, xiat, whateverthefuck it calls itself.

“And Asians? Not unless they’re a fuckin’ Polynesian trannie in a grass skirt. Otherwise, fuhgeddaboutit — we got too many slots to fill with approved minorities to worry about some gook who’s probably gonna slip our secret documents out in his rice bowl anyway.”

If I were opposing counsel, I’d be licking my chops at the prospect of meeting Coke’s new legal teams in a courtroom. A stock holder? Maybe not so much.