I think it's a hopeless case, but some of these might at least ease the pain

at last America’s paper of record is trying to help

I’m not on board with all ten suggestions, but here are some that I think hold promise:

• Supply one "enforcer" on each team with a taser - finally, the guy thrashing on the ground won't be faking!

• Add quicksand so that anyone who takes too long on a free kick gets sucked in - move or die.

• If players pass the ball 10 times without shooting, the ball detonates - would put a stop to this asinine backward passing once and for all.

• Release an enraged bull onto the field if things get boring - "Mbappe steps up to take the free kick and OH MY GRACIOUS HE JUST GOT GORED IN THE LIVER!"

• Instead of kicking a round ball towards a goal, players will carry or throw a more oblong ball towards a kind of "end zone" - definitely onto something here.

Related: Americans still don’t enjoy watching soccer. And never will. Fox spent $100 million to bring to Americans “the sport of the future” and lost, big time.