CDC raises Monkeypox alert to Level 2, urges passengers to refrain from anal sex during flight

ready for the friendly skies

“Keep it zipped, or wear a full-body condom”, CDC janitor and spokesman Tony Baloney advised, “if you even just suspect that your new pal in the seat next to you might be a little light in the loafers. And keep it zipped until the airlines have finished installing our new, mandatory, gaydar system.”

Okay, the CDC didn’t actually recommend such a common-sense precaution against a disease that is transmitted through gay, anal sex, and has instead defaulted to its most beloved fetish, the paper face mask. “Monkeypox can be spread per anus or per os”, Dr. Baloney told a hastily-convened press conference at Reagan National Airport, “so if everyone will just keep their pants on, and wear a mask over that os, we’ll see this horrible, deadly disease wither and wilt faster than you can say ‘Gay Rodeo Week at Provincetown’. “