The Bee stoops to reporting actual news
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NEW YORK, NY — After months of controversy, Fox News has decided to part ways with the only reason anyone watches Fox News.
"Yes, we realize he delivered the most successful cable news program of all time, but we felt embarrassed by him at our Manhatten cocktail parties," said Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott. "When we tried to get invited to fancy, sophisticated gatherings, people said: 'Ewwww, aren't you the Tucker Carlson people?' and that made us feel sad. Curse you, Tucker, for making us feel sad!" *
When reached for a reaction, Tucker simply stared dumbfoundedly at our reporter for several minutes.
Industry experts believe there are other factors that contributed to the alleged firing, including the fact that the company is too broke to pay him after settling a lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems.
Progressives are reportedly overjoyed by the move, although many are saying Fox didn't go far enough by not killing Carlson in addition to firing him. "You mean he's still alive?" said Congresswoman AOC. "Tucker being alive is fascism!"
At publishing time, producers were seen looking through files for another hot blonde to replace him with.
*Funny enough, in a comment to my original post I speculated that the reason for his firing was that the Murdoch boys were being shunned by the Hollywood circle they so longed to join; now the Bee has confirmed that.
Update: I have to take (some of) that back: I looked him up, and the younger, more liberal Murdoch son, James, resigned from the empire in July, 2020, in protest over its conservative slant. So this one’s on Ian and his father, I guess.
